The Art of Happiness

May 21, 2012

Dear Follower, 

Was it today where the world was suppose to end? Or was that May 12? I don’t remember well, but it’s funny how it never did. I had a great weekend, and had a great week as well. So far, I’ve been great and doing much better. My grief is calming down. 

Things have been well, last Saturday I went out with the guys and they bought me two shots of tequila, I came home feeling really tipsy I think I was dizzy I am not sure I have never felt drunk before but now I am home because I went to my grandma and grandpa’s anniversary party and it was really big, basically, they got re-married. 

It was such a nice get together and all my cousins were there, and the food was good but the cake was even better. It was chocolate and they had allot, allot of food but the cake was the best part too bad it finished all. 

When I arrived at grandma’s house she had made food already I had a bite to eat before I got there but she insisted on me eating and I sat down to eat AGAIN. 

After I told her I didn’t wanted anymore she poured another scoop of her dish.

“You need to eat more, you are getting more thinner every time I see you.” 

I stayed quiet and tried not to look at my mom because she will say that I don’t eat and that I am anorexic and all the stuff she mentions when people tell me that I am getting thinner. 

My grandpa has kittens, and I’ve been on the hunt for some kittens they were mixed some were all black and another one was white with yellow fur coat everywhere I had liked them all but I know I can’t afford a cat because I don’t have any money for it’s food. 

I didn’t even get much sleep this weekend because I had to help decorate the place for the party and I had no time to sit down I was defeated and tired and I didn’t get some sleep till 4 am because there was the after party for breakfast. 

So now I am home, and gonna catch some sleep I’ll talk to you later. 

Posted 1 week ago — 2 notes

May 12, 2012

Dear Follower, 

It’s been some time since I have written you a letter, I’ve been doing great however, I am still mourning the death of my dog. Infact I..at least am trying, I feel like I can’t though. I have always thought of his death so I can be well prepared for but now that it’s here, I can’t. I am sad, but I can’t cry. I force myself sometimes, sometimes I feel like crying is the only way of expressing my grief for him. I miss him terribly, I love him. 

The other day I saw my other dog, we keep her inside and she looked very unsettling, she wanted to be alone and she was laying down on top of a bag and she looked sad, depressed, unmotivated. It touched me that I want to give her more love and let her know that she is not alone, so I went up there and pet her head softly, and gently, then talked to her about Shorty. 

I told her that I miss him too, and then for a second there I thought of the times I had shared with Joseph, and how lonely I felt when I wasn’t with him. She misses Shorty, I can tell, but we have all been giving her our love and trying to show it as well and then I started to force myself to cry until I did but quickly wiped away the tears. 

I have new friends now, Anthony, Matthew, and Zack, some of my old friends from grade school called me and said if I want to hang out with them, we went to a club and they have been much more mature with Ricardo and Walter, those guys were horrible, these guys were more chill and calm and I told him that I was a pan-sexual and they were cool about it, in fact they were really interested in it. They said that I have endless possibilities. I am glad they understood it between Bisexual and Pan. 

Now I am just casually looking forward to the future and it feels like a good one and things just look better. But that’s all I wanted to share with you, Till my next letter to you. 

Posted 3 weeks ago

May 3, 2012

Dear Follower, 

A very sad day has come for me, I have no words or a voice at the moment, so I am writing… I am writing… I am writing because that’s the only thing I know how to do. I don’t know how to speak. I don’t know how to say what I feel, I just write, because I am a writer. I write. I write what I need to say, what I do. I write because I need to. Not because I love to. 

My dog passed away today. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what to feel. I can’t speak. I can’t do anything. My heart aches in a pool of pain. I ask myself why, why today? Why not next year or next week? I can’t face reality right now.

The people I need right now aren’t with me. Joseph? Walter? Ricardo? Mom? Dad? Where are you guys? I need someone so much, I can’t be alone, I have lost everything, my friends, my family, the people I once enjoyed talking to. Where are those arms that mend my sorrows now? Have I lost those too?

Why did you leave me? I needed you. I am so sorry, I loved you so much, I miss you so much. It hurts, please come back to me, I need you, I need you because you were all I ever had in my life, you have been there, please don’t go…. please don’t do this to me. Please, please…. I can’t do this alone. Don’t leave me all alone. You were the things I turned to, you can’t leave me here. 

Do you remember when I told you when you would go, I would go to? That we would go together? Do you remember? I am not ready. Pleasseeee. pleasseee, come baccck! I lovee you… I love youuu, please, don’t do this to mee, please don’t make me live all alone. Please don’t do this don’t do this to mee. I can’t live with another grief, don’t make me live with this pain. Please don’t.

Please someone tell me this is a dream. Please tell me that when I wake up you will be here. I can’t… I am so sorry, I can’t do this alone, please please please come back….

I am not ready to say goodbye. Please don’t leave me…. Please someone wake me up!

Posted 1 month ago — 2 notes

April 30, 2012

Dear Follower, 

Hey! How you been? Things are going really great for me this last weekend I had a few family come over and it was just what I needed to be surrounded by family and people I like being with. We would go to eat Dinner every night and we’d then eat breakfast I had slept over to my Aunt’s house because my dad went out to visit his mom and I just spend over there with my cousins which was fun. 

I had a great weekend because I went to Barns and Noble and some how that place just makes me feel so good and I went to the pet store because I am still looking for a kitten, and they had a cat there but it was an adult already and I really don’t want an older cat. 

I made a stop at Best Buy to just browse their electronic stuff. I like Best Buy, it’s a fun place to go, I made my way through the phone accessories to the PC laptops, to the digital cameras. While there, I saw this camera that had 24 megapixels which is ridiculously so high compared to my Nikon which is 12MP. They didn’t had a display just the price and specs of it. 

That night while I was laying down on my bed listening to Pandora I was looking through my inbox and I was looking at the ones Joseph and I had. We had over 200 saved I kinda wanted to at that moment delete the whole thing because they no longer interest me. So I stayed puzzled and thoughtless maybe not right now but I decided to text other people. 

Things have really been great. There is kinda someone but I don’t know, I mean I will go into a long distance relation but it would just be pointless but I like trying new things out. I don’t know how it’ll play out but I don’t like to think about the future or stuff that fall into that category. 

Posted 1 month ago — 1 note

Part II

April 26, 2012

Dear follower, 

The nights and days have been treating me well and I can say that I am doing allot better now, time seems to be on my side most of the time. I’ve been doing allot of soul searching and I am now dependent on myself. The warm summer days are drawing near and summer is just right around the corner. The pools have been opened and the water-parks as well, there has been more cookouts and lawn mowers in my neighborhood. 

I have been talking to more people now and now that Ricardo and Walter are out of my life and the last time I hanged out with them were about a week ago but I no longer count on them to be in my life. I have gone to do things on my own I have been to the movies alone without no one and I can say that it has been quite the perfect date with no interruptions and I can enjoy the movie alone. 

Things have been great and my parents have left me the house on most weekends so I get allot of things done on my own I’ve been back on my routine to get back in shape I’ve been running around the park that is not to far from my house it’s perfect during the morning laps. 

My iPod decided to die on me a couple of weeks ago, but now I have an iPhone so I use the iPod on that but it sucks because I have to limit the amount of music I put because it’s an 8 gig phone. I’ve also discovered new bands I highly recommend this female singer called Daughter that is the name of the band I think it’s one of those one man band I think that’s the term for them. She is great and her voice is completely warming. 

I am looking forward to what comes next in my life and I wonder how you have been. Well I will write to you later and it’s nice again to tell you how things have been going for me. 

Posted 1 month ago

The Last Goodbye

Dear follower, 

I write this letter because I have been thinking about allot of stuff in the last 24 hours I haven’t had a choice yet, but I feel like I have no other option left, and I am forced to make this choice. Thanks for listening to me and putting up with my letters and pain thanks for being with me in this journey.

I have to make this work for myself. Love… Love is complicated and love is fragile sometimes I wonder if love isn’t worth what it is made out to be. We all hear stories about how love is beautiful and love is worth it all and love can endure all things but no one ever tells you that love is the complete opposite of it. I feel like love is the black angel of suffering. To fall in love is risking 90% of sufferance which is… because love comes with attachment and attachment leads to suffering. So falling in love is complete pointless and worthless. 

But thank you, you had stood with me and listened to all my complain and pains and you stood with me in the good and the bad and you have known me in my weakest point and my strongest point. You truly are a good friend. 

And this is my vow: I. Armando Zertuche  have to change for myself, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be hard. I may never ever feel the same. I may never ever fall in love again. I may never ever let myself down and I won’t ever let my feelings get a hold of me. I will never ever let my thoughts control me, I will never ever fall for someone the way I did for him and I will never ever ever let anyone destroy me. I will never ever let anyone break my heart. Because no one will break my heart ever again. 

I’m not saying that I will always be 100 perfect thoughtless free from Joseph, but I will do my very very best to push him away, I say this to you that you are my soul witness that I may never ever forget him. That the nights will always be there, and that the empty space in my chest will always be there but I will do my best. Because sometimes the best is all I can ever do. 

Don’t worry my friend. This may not be the end. But it is the end of something, but just like every ending. It’s just a new beginning… 

Posted 1 month ago — 4 notes

April 17, 2012

Dear follower, 

I’ve come to far at the bottom of the pit, in a void of emptiness, my warmth is no longer with me. I am as black as night. My heart has taken over my brain sending messages of ache to the rest of my body.  I’ve become so vulnerable. I’ve become so weak. The stiffness of my body can no longer sustain me to stand up tall firm. I see the dark eyelids from lack of sleep, the fatigue body aches, the grease hair, my pale skin. The only people who can possible ever understand me are fictional characters. Those who I have only seen come close to how I really am. I’m cold, fearful, defeated. There is an abyss to deep for me to reach surface. I will no longer be able to ever feel whole again. 

It’s funny don’t you think? How people come and go in our lives. You turn to the people who you would have never thought would possibly ever abandon you. I think I have really lost everything in my life especially because I think I’ve lost my only friends Ricardo and Walter it’s been three weeks since they’ve called me to hang out. They’ve seem to be going out to eat and I know this because Walter text messages me. Or sometimes I text him and wonder what he is doing on a Saturday night or Friday night. 

I have this paranoia that they have removed me from hanging out with them I wouldn’t mind that. They use to call me every weekend but now It looks like things have changed. I don’t expect them anymore now that I’ve become such a mess out of myself that I have no interest in anything so the effect is worthless right now and it hasn’t hit me only sometimes. 

I have become unattached with myself. It feels like my body is moving, but my mind is somewhere else. lost deep in thoughts and worlds. It’s such a horrifying way to be. I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself and no longer really existing I’m just half-dead. 

I was at a house party the other night and I am constantly so sick of my feelings I can’t deal with them anymore. They’re making me so very sick and I came home and no one was home, I didn’t knew what to do so I had the idea and the urge to run away for a few days. I don’t know where I would go. But I don’t think that truly mattered. I just needed to run, run, run. It got so late so I didn’t. 

I was also in debate if I should head to the ER room again, my stress were so high it was unbearable to live. I can’t deal with my heart anymore it is in so much pain, but what would be the use of going to the hospital? Just another bill for money I don’t have. So lied on the floor knowing that the pain will pass by soon. 

Plus things have just been terrible. My mom is trying to send me to the doctor again because I am not eating at all and my aunt came over the other day and she told me I looked way to thin and thus, my mom is trying to send me to the see the doctor. I told her I am fine and for the sake of portraying my health I am eating whatever she wants me to eat. 

Sometimes I really do think if I’m the crazy one. Everyone tells me that I am not fat and that I am way to skinny. But I look at myself and don’t see the person I want to be so I probably am crazy because I see things so differently. I have grown this unwelcoming feeling inside for people. I loathe them now because there is not one sign of things I want to love about them. They’re all so very selfish and scared. I fancy the ones who have problems. I fancy the ones who walk with their head down, but even that sometimes I feel like the whole human race have become, as I like to call it now “Products of Society” There to scared to feel freedom to scared to know the truth and the truth can make life so much better. 

I’m am still trying to survive… Still trying to make it out alive.

Posted 1 month ago — 1 note

April 11, 2012

Dear follower, 

Two Months. 

I’m fucked. And I don’t mean that in a I-am-messed-up-kind-of-way. I mean I’m fucked. Like the damage is irreplaceable now. I will no longer be better ever again. There is no going back to feeling okay. The damage will always be there. The scars, the bruises, and the ache. 

It’s like an accident where you hit your knee on something and it hurts and you’re in pain. It can heal eventually but, you will always walk with this limp and that limp would never ever go away. That’s how it’s for me. I’m fucked for life. 

I would never in my life imagined I’d end up this way, Joseph has made me so weak. So vulnerable. It seems to be getting worse, I feel myself less and less every day. I know that there is nothing I can do anymore. I don’t know if love can really kill you but it’s a slow painful way to die and this is my life from now on. I’m gonna die a very very very very very slow death. I can already see the blackness in my eyes, the tired fatigue body, the pale skin, the greasy hair… it’s all there. 

There will always be moments in my life that’ll forget, but I’ll never ever ever forget the way you made me feel. I may never ever get to see you again, I may never ever ever get to hold you, hold your hand, I may never ever be able to tell you I love you. I love you not because you’re perfect. But because you’re so perfect for me. You know it’s right when no matter what mood I am in, the thought of you can always make me smile. 

I remember he hold me in his arms the day he left, tightly, as if it was the last time we would see each other forever. I wanted nothing more than to hold him forever. I hugged him and I felt like that’s where I belonged, and honestly, that’s the only place I’ll ever want to be. 

I love you still, and I’ll always will… 

Posted 1 month ago — 1 note

April 8, 2012

Dear follower,

It’s Easter! Last night was my mother’s birthday, she turned 48. So last night I was home. Alone. It was kinda exciting what I did. I couldn’t bare being home anymore and I really needed to get out of the house so I went for a jog in the morning, I had ran for two hours, because I lost track of time. I came home and made my bed because I didn’t do that in the morning, then I got in the shower and rinsed the sweat off my body. 

It was 3PM when I’ve been thinking about the whole thing on how I need a get-a-way or escape from my problems and reality and this was my only shot at doing it since no one was around and my family was out of town. So I Google some really fun things to do around my city. I think I found the perfect place where I want to go, somehow it was calling me I needed to find some release from all this sadness in me. 

A nightclub. I wanted to go to a nightclub just by myself and dance away my problems. So I got dressed and I had worn something nice, but not to casual. I wanted to find a dubstep/house club I found one and as I was getting ready, I couldn’t come to terms that I was actually gonna do this. I felt good about that moment. 

I don’t have a car, so I took the bus and it took me straight downtown. It was early to go to the club right now so I explored my city. I made a bad mistake from the jog in the morning I felt so tired from my legs, plus I had a small meal when I got back home and I was getting hungry. The sun was about to go down, it filled the sky with a warm and nice dusk look I came across a friend I hadn’t seen since High School Graduation, Nicole she was with her girlfriend and while we were talking she pulled out a cigarette and I don’t smoke, but I just know that I’m not the same person anymore, I asked for one and I smoked it while talking to them. 

While talking to them, I was thinking more about myself, I have changed. Really bad. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I have this dark personality and then this other personality. I’m kind, and loving, and I would never do anything to hurt anyone, but then there is this dark side of me, this cold and uncaring person this manipulative and controlling person, I’ve become such a psychopathy. I’m morphing, there’s this dark side of me that is trying to come out of me. 

We talked about the nightclubs and I wanted to know which ones were the best, and her girlfriend told me which ones I should check out, and she told me the Bottom Exchange was great for house music. So I went there and it was already night time. So I made my way, inside it was cold. The AC was on blast or something.

The place looked so amazing, it was an old fashion building, it had high ceilings and it had dark wood tile and french doors that I have only seen pictures on Tumblr, there was a room as you go in to your right, this room had a pool table and some couches  and windows. the other room which was just opposite of this room, this room was bigger because it had a center bar and people were ordering drinks. towards the main hall at the back was the dance room, it was built in a lower level, a basement perhaps. It was pretty dead because it was still early but the music was blazing and it was awesome.

Hours later it started to get packed and I just stood there causally listening to the music and sway to it. I wanted to dance the music was right. the atmosphere was there, red, blue, flashing lights. It was like a club from the movies. In the middle there was a stage where people can dance on it but usually it would get crowded with many people on it. 

There was this guy who looked allot like Joseph and it was hard concentrating on the music because I miss him allot and this guy looked like him, he had a black shirt, and a necklace similar to how Joseph has it. This made me feel worse and terrible about my inner feelings and he was standing next to me. I need to do something if not I was gonna break down and sob right there, they played this great music.

I made my way down the stairs and to the dance floor. Flashing lights and smoke and red, blue, white, green lights reminded me of the club scene from Black Swan the music was getting in my veins and I moved my body rocking myself side to side, it was almost as if the music was dancing me around. After a while I let myself go and started dancing, it was getting hot and sweat was starting to form along with everyone and I danced to many song, never leaving the dance floor after that, they played many remixes and then later on I was already sweating but I didn’t let that stop me. My problems were vanishing, all I thought was how this felt, to dance, to let go, to feel again, to feel amusement. 

I still miss Joseph, allot and seeing that guy just brought more pain, more pain because it just doesn’t work. It seems like everywhere I go I always see someone in him, his name. I come across it more often. More more more often…

I had enough of dancing and I felt like I was about to pass out I made my way to the bar and asked for a cup of water which was free of charge. I drank it so fast.  It was already 2Am and I decided that I should get something to eat and there was a Denny’s not to far from there and ate breakfast there, I felt bad because I ordered a burger and fries and a small stack of pancakes so I cheated on my health but I didn’t really care, my waitress was nice, though. 

While seating down eating the thought had been running in my head since I got downtown. How was I gonna get home? The buss stopped running at 11PM so I sat in the both for an hour thinking of a way to get home. I was far, way to far, to walk home, and it was dark. I never thought about that. I couldn’t call my sister because she would fit about me, then she would tell my mom. I didn’t knew what to do. I wasn’t freaking out. So I guess it was time to find a way. I wanted to find a cop but I didn’t find one.

I payed for my meal and stand outside coming out with a strategy. I walked back downtown and it was empty, no people, just me. I guess I might as well start walking until I see a cop. I didn’t/ Not one cop was around tonight. So I ended up walking home. I was tired. Exhausted. I just kept on walking. It took me an hour to get home. I was defeated. Finish. I was sweating. I got home at seven minutes to 5AM I didn’t wanted to go to sleep in sweat so I jumped back in the shower and rinsed my body from the sweat and then went to sleep. 

Do I regret this night? No. Was it worth walking home? Yes. It was worth it and so much more than that. I had fun. Dancing that is. I should do it again some other night but for now. I’m glad that I did this. I’m glad that I got out. I’m still learning but I’m learning at a constant state and there’s only two months left, till  I’ll have the opportunity to tell you everything, everything I’ve always wanted to tell you, no more hiding, no more keeping it all to myself. 

I know that I’ve been keeping it to myself by doing it over the phone but I have waited a year to say this. To say how much you mean to me. I can hold on two more months… 

Anyways I woke up with such a bad swore on my legs and half of my upper body. It’s terrible. 

Posted 1 month ago — 1 note